Monday, June 11, 2012


I can barely remember what it felt like; lying in bed my toes buried under the still cold covers, rubbing my feet together to generate warmth. My newly constructed room in the ground level basement of the house I grew up in, barely lit by the moon shining through the half window in the corner. Still, tonight in my room in warm California I turn on my sound machine to rain hoping to feel that comfort. I try to remind myself of the lonely nights in that house. Listening to the familiar sound of the rain hitting the drainpipe and the soaked puddled grass. The sound of it drenching the rocky alleyway beside my window and the light from the very occasional car headlights flooding my room as it and its driver crunched home. I felt so alone. My thoughts steam rolling through my head. Doubts, questions fears and insecurities rolling through my teenage mind. Yet somehow, the pitter patter of that rain grounded me. It was my security blanket and my mother. The only thing that would certainly be there and undoubtedly come again. It never let me down and it never stayed away for long. It cleansed me when I walked home from a night I would happily forget, hide my tears and soothed my soul. It filled my shoes and my heart. I miss it. I miss the things it inspired. Living in a weather deprived city seems to show in the heart of the city itself.
One day, hopefully soon, the gift of rain is the gift I want to give my children. I want them to appreciate it, feel comforted by it, safe and blanketed by it. Rain boots by the door and umbrellas always near. I want them to run in the rain, love in the rain, cry in the rain and fall asleep to the rain. I wish for them puddles to splash in, and the windshield wipers to lull them to sleep as I drive them safely home. Until then, I will listen to my slightly off, tinny rain sound and remember as much as I can. I will dream of my nights as a child and one day, I will give my children the gift of rain.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Lost and found

I just found this little drawing I did of my daughter a couple of years ago. Thought I would share to add some art to this here blog ;)


I just want to say that I've seen so much sadness and death and loss in the past year that it's numbing. I've seen good people who are so near and dear to my heart lose a child (twice), and survive. I don't know how you can go on living life after such a horrible nightmare, yet they have and they live and they smile. They feel pain but believe there may be light again.

Along with the death I've seen an astounding amount of life. I've seen many babies being born and new life beginning. The death has made the life so much more amazing and even more of a miracle than I ever had realized before. It reminds me that every single moment every little breath each and every one of us takes is sacred and counted and important. It's worth something; whatever that may be.

So if you can't pay your bills, if you are lonely or feel no love just hold on. You are not alone and right now,while you feel the solitude in your darkness, someone else is in their darkness feeling the same way. Do whatever it takes every single day to push through and find happiness. Even if its in one small thing. Go watch a child laugh and play, go sit on a swing and see how high you can go. Let the weather wake you up and hit you in the face. Do something to feel alive, and then remember how lucky you are to be. Someone else would love to be as alive as you and as able as you and as lucky as you.

Whatever battle you're fighting, keep fighting it. Step into the light and breath and fight. You can do it, I know you can. You'll be amazed at what the future has in store for you.

Love, Chelsea